a joy.
Today I am 13 weeks, 2 days along. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks, 0 days.
A little simple math means that for the last 9 weeks, two days, and 9 hours, I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to tell the world about this news. How to tell my world. I did not want to face the reality of the wall disappointment that would emanate from a community I not only highly respect, but also adore.
And that’s the word I keep coming back to. Disappoint. Disappointing. Disappointed.
If you’re reading this, actually taking the time to hear my heart, that may have been the first word that came to your head, the first pang in your heart.
How do I know that? Because it was the first feeling that sank my heart. The minute I saw the word “pregnant” scrolled across the screen on the pee stick, my heart fell into my stomach. And my stomach hit the floor.
Molly Kraling is pregnant?! The girl who showed promise, who taught about Jesus. The pray-er. The woman who spent five years working on and receiving a THEOLOGY DEGREE from a Bible College, is pregnant?! The college kid that others believed would lead people to the cross. Molly. The unwed, pregnant, sinner.
Sweet Loves, I know. And I have run through all of these thoughts in my head, ad nauseam. And to be honest, it has led me down a dark path. It has led me even further away from Jesus.
If you’ve been following along with my story for the past few years you know and you understand the pain I’ve gone through. The heart break I have endured.
If there was even a possibility for an excuse for this “situation” (cold, i know) I have found myself in, it is that I have felt so broken, so far from God. My spirit inconsolable, my relationship with God irreconcilable, unrecognizable. That I was doing anything and everything to ease the pain.
Sin is easier to come by when brokenness is all you feel. If you let it, sin comes along to fill in the cracks. Like sand between stones. Sins are easier to commit if you don’t feel like there is anyone to disappoint, because God is so far from you anyway. Because it ~feels~ like your Christian community has all but forgotten about you and therefore cannot hold you accountable.
And then, oops. Your sin hits you square between the eyes. And your sin, the pain you felt, and the way you coped to take away even an inkling of that pain, turns into something beautiful. It shouldn't have. Sin, by definition, is meant to kill, steal, and destroy. Not to create. From this pain I have found joy.
A joy. A new life. A new calling. How is that possible?
That our God is so gracious and good to me that he would give me a gift in the form of a small, beautiful, perfect, and healthy baby.
I’m on to bigger and more beautiful feelings and reactions than disappointment and hurt and feelings of inadequacy.
I have moved past those feelings and I am on to excitement and nervousness and confusion and joy and happiness and contentedness; I am perfectly overwhelmed.
I am going to be a momma. I have been given one of the most precious and perfect gifts a woman can receive.
I want, now more than ever, to be close to my Father. I want, now more than ever, to lean in and listen to the Spirit. I want, now more than ever, to remember what Christ did for me, for Jason, for baby B on the cross. I am eager to run to Him but often get distracted by the guilt, the weight, and the pain of my sin. I do not want that to be the case any more. I want freedom, and forgiveness, and most of all, I want peace.
Pray with me, friends.
Pray that I cast away the guilt and the pain and the worry off of my shoulders and on to Jesus. He is asking me to hand him the burden.
Pray for Jason as he prepares to be both a husband and a father.
Pray for "Baby Barr" as this precious gift continues growing.
I love you all.
A little simple math means that for the last 9 weeks, two days, and 9 hours, I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to tell the world about this news. How to tell my world. I did not want to face the reality of the wall disappointment that would emanate from a community I not only highly respect, but also adore.
And that’s the word I keep coming back to. Disappoint. Disappointing. Disappointed.
If you’re reading this, actually taking the time to hear my heart, that may have been the first word that came to your head, the first pang in your heart.
How do I know that? Because it was the first feeling that sank my heart. The minute I saw the word “pregnant” scrolled across the screen on the pee stick, my heart fell into my stomach. And my stomach hit the floor.
Molly Kraling is pregnant?! The girl who showed promise, who taught about Jesus. The pray-er. The woman who spent five years working on and receiving a THEOLOGY DEGREE from a Bible College, is pregnant?! The college kid that others believed would lead people to the cross. Molly. The unwed, pregnant, sinner.
Sweet Loves, I know. And I have run through all of these thoughts in my head, ad nauseam. And to be honest, it has led me down a dark path. It has led me even further away from Jesus.
If you’ve been following along with my story for the past few years you know and you understand the pain I’ve gone through. The heart break I have endured.
If there was even a possibility for an excuse for this “situation” (cold, i know) I have found myself in, it is that I have felt so broken, so far from God. My spirit inconsolable, my relationship with God irreconcilable, unrecognizable. That I was doing anything and everything to ease the pain.
Sin is easier to come by when brokenness is all you feel. If you let it, sin comes along to fill in the cracks. Like sand between stones. Sins are easier to commit if you don’t feel like there is anyone to disappoint, because God is so far from you anyway. Because it ~feels~ like your Christian community has all but forgotten about you and therefore cannot hold you accountable.
And then, oops. Your sin hits you square between the eyes. And your sin, the pain you felt, and the way you coped to take away even an inkling of that pain, turns into something beautiful. It shouldn't have. Sin, by definition, is meant to kill, steal, and destroy. Not to create. From this pain I have found joy.
A joy. A new life. A new calling. How is that possible?
That our God is so gracious and good to me that he would give me a gift in the form of a small, beautiful, perfect, and healthy baby.
I’m on to bigger and more beautiful feelings and reactions than disappointment and hurt and feelings of inadequacy.
I have moved past those feelings and I am on to excitement and nervousness and confusion and joy and happiness and contentedness; I am perfectly overwhelmed.
I am going to be a momma. I have been given one of the most precious and perfect gifts a woman can receive.
I want, now more than ever, to be close to my Father. I want, now more than ever, to lean in and listen to the Spirit. I want, now more than ever, to remember what Christ did for me, for Jason, for baby B on the cross. I am eager to run to Him but often get distracted by the guilt, the weight, and the pain of my sin. I do not want that to be the case any more. I want freedom, and forgiveness, and most of all, I want peace.
Pray with me, friends.
Pray that I cast away the guilt and the pain and the worry off of my shoulders and on to Jesus. He is asking me to hand him the burden.
Pray for Jason as he prepares to be both a husband and a father.
Pray for "Baby Barr" as this precious gift continues growing.
I love you all.