in this season.
i have learned that i have to cope. Burying my head in my pillow, screaming profanities at God, pleading for his breath, for His voice. Scribbling accusations at my Heavenly Father on my knees, begging for forgiveness and to be given just that.
i have learned that my tears hit the floor silently. Too quiet to be heard by even the closest listening ear.
i have learned that i am not nearly as attentive as i should be.
i have learned that joy, although completely unattainable alone, has sustained me at my loneliest.
i have learned that the empathy Jesus displayed far exceeds what my frail body can muster.
i have learned that i must fix my eyes on Heaven, even when i am daily surrounded by fire. Even when it hurts like hell, i will praise You.
i have learned that the ministry of presence is everything. Every ounce of strength, every tear, every breath, every word heard.
i have learned that dying is not natural, but it is common, connected to all.
i have learned that death stings…even when it’s not supposed to.
i have learned that death is not a shy beast. It’s not gentle. It’s agile and swift, too fast to outrun. But the Spirit’s voice grows increasingly steady as death moves closer. Its breath hot on our necks.
i have learned that God knows about death too. i have learned that He is not content with the victory of death. i laugh as i realize the conflict and harmony of God and death. He still chose death as the avenue to pardon our iniquities, to ease our insecurities, to help and encourage us to die to ourselves.
i have learned that it is well. i have learned that it has to be. He died to assure that we could trust that. Not just with our hearts, but with our souls. i have learned to lean into that promise with my entire life.
i have learned that i need people. i don’t have to be lonely. God’s people are far more open to sitting in the pit than i wanted to believe before. i have learned that i am worth sitting beside. i am worth weeping beside, face buried deep in the shoulder of a best friend.
i have learned that i like holding hands with a man who reminds me of Jesus.
But most importantly, i have learned that God is our caretaker. His Holy Words provide salve for wounds inflicted by the horrid world. The Spirit is a blanket, that holds us fast, keeps us warm, reminding the broken that in His arms is where we belong. Jesus came and taught us by living by us. Taking deep care of our hearts by healing them--not in part but in whole— by wholly giving His life in exchange for ours.
i have learned that i have to cope. Burying my head in my pillow, screaming profanities at God, pleading for his breath, for His voice. Scribbling accusations at my Heavenly Father on my knees, begging for forgiveness and to be given just that.
i have learned that my tears hit the floor silently. Too quiet to be heard by even the closest listening ear.
i have learned that i am not nearly as attentive as i should be.
i have learned that joy, although completely unattainable alone, has sustained me at my loneliest.
i have learned that the empathy Jesus displayed far exceeds what my frail body can muster.
i have learned that i must fix my eyes on Heaven, even when i am daily surrounded by fire. Even when it hurts like hell, i will praise You.
i have learned that the ministry of presence is everything. Every ounce of strength, every tear, every breath, every word heard.
i have learned that dying is not natural, but it is common, connected to all.
i have learned that death stings…even when it’s not supposed to.
i have learned that death is not a shy beast. It’s not gentle. It’s agile and swift, too fast to outrun. But the Spirit’s voice grows increasingly steady as death moves closer. Its breath hot on our necks.
i have learned that God knows about death too. i have learned that He is not content with the victory of death. i laugh as i realize the conflict and harmony of God and death. He still chose death as the avenue to pardon our iniquities, to ease our insecurities, to help and encourage us to die to ourselves.
i have learned that it is well. i have learned that it has to be. He died to assure that we could trust that. Not just with our hearts, but with our souls. i have learned to lean into that promise with my entire life.
i have learned that i need people. i don’t have to be lonely. God’s people are far more open to sitting in the pit than i wanted to believe before. i have learned that i am worth sitting beside. i am worth weeping beside, face buried deep in the shoulder of a best friend.
i have learned that i like holding hands with a man who reminds me of Jesus.
But most importantly, i have learned that God is our caretaker. His Holy Words provide salve for wounds inflicted by the horrid world. The Spirit is a blanket, that holds us fast, keeps us warm, reminding the broken that in His arms is where we belong. Jesus came and taught us by living by us. Taking deep care of our hearts by healing them--not in part but in whole— by wholly giving His life in exchange for ours.