Two months, 15 days, and 22 hours.
That's how long mom has been gone. That's how long I have held it together, planned and spoke at her funeral, kept my cool. I have organized cleaning parties, taken on a new job (which I LOVE!!!), got my first kiss, and started dating the man of my dreams. Two months, 15 days, 21 hours and 54 minutes. Six minutes ago I locked up Momma's house for the last time. Closing not only a door but a chapter in my story. Locked up in this house is six years of memories, six years of Andy Griffith marathons. Six years of intense family drama, of crying and mourning. The place Jennie sat for her last family Christmas on earth. Six years in college, THIS was the house I came home to. THIS is the house mom became a patient. THIS is the house she wanted to stay in until the moment before her last breath. Seven months of taking intense care of a momma who didn't know how to accept care. Seven months of appointments, naps, late nights, and Chinese delivery. Seven months of grilled veggies. Zucchini, broccoli, mushrooms, asparagus to boot. Ha! Veggies! Momma always craved the strangest veggies. She loved sauerkraut, beets, and huge pickles. I remember the day I realized cancer stole her tongue. We grew up with ice cream as a main course. "As many scoops as it takes to fill the bowl" was a common phrase echoed in our home. I asked mom if she wanted me to go get us some ice cream. She took two bites of her vanilla bean delight and her nose crinkled up. The bowl of ice cream sat and melted away to nothing. Cold and white. My soul felt kind of the way her ice cream looked. Cold, the coldest it's been. White, lost in a fog. So where am I? To be honest, I am not totally sure. But I'll keep trekking. And now that momma's house is cleaned and locked up along with her Scooby Doo copy of the house key. Now that she is buried and I am working at a job I love and I am being loved by a really sweet, cool, hilarious, and compassionate guy. Now that I am certain the world will never quite be the same without momma, I am ready to grieve.
1 Comment
Ann Kurtz
6/19/2017 01:07:06 pm
I am so sorry for your loss.
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