She begins to grow more cold, each breath grows farther and farther apart. More shallow, and impossibly more shallow as the seconds tick by.
I hold Momma's hand. I squeeze it three times. Hoping with everything in me she will feel it and she will respond. She doesn't. She wants to. She cannot. I am rubbing Momma's head. Tucking stray hairs behind her ear. Ever so gently pressing my thumb up the bridge if her nose, between her eyebrows, to her hair line. All the while whispering through gritted teeth and foggy eyes. "It's ok, Momma. It's ok Momma. You can go. You can go rest. You've worked hard, it's time Momma." I bent down and kissed her forehead twice. Firm and sweet. She was dressed in white, was escorted by her dad and best friend, down the aisle to her Love. Jesus stood at the end of the pews beaming from ear to ear. Momma continued down the aisle. She smiled, certainly confused but surprisingly content. Each step careful and precise. Was she really walking again? On her own none the less? Being held by her daddy? Walking to her Father? "You are so beautiful" Jesus whispered in Momma's ear. "You were a good and faithful and hardworking servant." Momma wept as she began to drink in what was going on around her. She is whole. Her body, perfect, healed. She took a step closer to Jesus. Jesus reached up to Momma's face and gently wiped the tears from her eyes. His hands are strong but soft; he holds the back of Momma's head. And ever so gently runs his fingers through her hair. He gently kissed her forehead twice and squeezed her hand. He whispered to her "It's ok my child. It's ok my daughter. It's ok precious one. You can come. You can come. Let me take your burden. It's time, Diane. It's time." Momma passed away today at 4:10pm. She was my best friend and biggest fan. I am the luckiest girl in the world to have even been loved and taught by her.
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Momma is hands down, no competition, the strongest woman I have ever known. Y'all. I'm not just saying that because she's dying or because she's my mom. Dozens and dozens of family members, friends, co-workers, and some strangers agree.
Several times during the evening and into the night we were sure she was going to go. As of noon today Momma is still breathing. Breathing in and out. Slow and sure, shallow breaths. With each exhale releasing the most painful, ear-scorching moan. The nurses said at midnight she should have been gone HOURS AGO. One even told her "it's ok. You can go now, Diane." And they asked us: "is she waiting for anyone?" We don't know. But what we do know is that she is in excruciating pain. The hospice team has taken palliative steps to help relieve some of her agony. I am so thankful for the incredible staff here. Tiredness, exhaustion, sadness, joy, pain. Emotions that have taken over my body. I am operating fully on the grace of God and espresso. Please continue praying for an extra measure of patience and peace. Have you ever prepped yourself for meeting someone famous? Someome you really admire or look up to? If someone told me I was going to meet Queen Latifah or Adele, or Kevin James or Beyoncé or my favorite hip hop artist J-Thrill, or oh! Jamie Tworsowski I would FLIP OUT. I would be jumping up and down all day, everyday. I would plan out speaking points, I would bring them coffee, I would plan my handshake or hug depending on if I think they would go for that sort of thing. When first met my very favorite minister, I was terrified. I'm even embarrassed as I write this now. Simply because him and his family have become friends of mine. I was was so excited and so nervous. He was my very favorite preacher, he speaks the truth with grace and excellece, taking lofty theories and breaking them down for his congregations. But has a way to speak with a deep and sincere love for everyone. I cannot really explain now why I was so nervous. Nonetheless. I planned every word I was going to say. Exactly how I was going to shake his hand. Confident. Strong. When I met him and his beautiful wife, our conversation was less than special. I ended up tripping my way through my name and major. I think I told them I was related to John Wilkes Booth and I was a Scorpio. ¿¿¿¿ Oh and do not even get me started on the handshake. I completely tripped on my left foot and almost knocked them over like bowling pins. Ugh, classic Mol. That excitement and worry and planning all went in to meeting just this normal Jesus loving homie. And that's sort of how I feel saying goodbye to Momma. Only this time I have no idea what I want to say. You all may not believe me but I'm at a loss for words. Ha! It's not that you all are not independently important to me but I can almost guarantee the words I say or type to you are not as important to me, in this moment, as the words I say to her before she leaves us. I'm giddy, I'm nervous, the feelings of excitement are more of a somber anxiety, instead of a firm handshake maybe just a light squeeze to her beautiful hands, I'm not jumping up and down because that's not super appropriate at the Hospice House. I'm honored that I have been given the last seven months to talk to Momma and say everything several times over. I am positive she is leaving this earth knowing she is deeply loved and cared for. I am positive she is leaving this earth knowing she is going to a place where she is already deeply loved, a place she will receive the best possible care. Ha! I can only imagine that Momma is feeling the same way as us. She is nervous and excited and giddy and so happy and so full of joy. She is probably practicing what she is going to say, her curtsy, her wave, her firm and confident handshake. Because Momma GETS TO MEET THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE SO SOON. Momma gets to meet our Savior. Momma gets to meet the Spirit. HA!!! She will probably make God laugh. He will tell her that she was a good and faithful servant. And He will hold her and wipe away all of her tears. And that sounds like the best meet cute in the whole entire world!!!!!!!!!! "Heh heh heh. Mom I get it. You're joking. Heh. You can stop any time now. Heh." -@Lorettaiskray (Loretta Kraling)
It is April Fools day; a day jokers live for. A normal day wrapped up in laughs. Decorated with whoopie cushions and fake cat poop. Today I plan to take orders at Jitters and tell people they owe $1274.23 for their Carmel Macchiottos. We'll all laugh, they'll pay $4.99 and leave me a penny for a tip. You know who is the biggest fool? Satan. That guys a total tool. he is not going to win today. He will not to come, kill, lie, and destroy. We reuse to let him. he will not kill my joy. he will not steal our last laughs. he will not even steal mom's last breath. he will not destroy our memories. Momma was taken to Hospice early this morning. Loretta, Emmy, and I didn't catch a wink of sleep last night. All separately staring at the ceiling, with the quite understanding that this was Momma's last night in her home. Her last night in her beloved recliner. We were covered by night. I shed a few silent tears. I didn't wipe them away. I just let them fall on my pillow, scared to move. As if the slightest movement would move time along too quickly. Again back to damn time. Momma was transported to Hospice by three of her brothers. One of her little brothers, Dan, somehow got in contact with a man with an old transport bus. It had a wheelchair lift. Everything went so smoothly. She was confused, only for a moment. We just kept whispering "ok momma, it's time for our next adventure. Are you ready?" And I think she understood exactly where she was going- she completely understood the next steps in this process. She was there for only an hour before they decided to move her drone "respite" care to full "acute" care. Momma's eyes are glossy, she cannot hold contact, she definetly can no longer squeeze my hand, her body is deleicate and in so much pain. The slightest nudge sends her into a series of "ow ow ow ow ow"s. And yet, she just keeps beeming. She keeps smiling, big, bright. Totally cheesin. I cannot imagine the excruciating pain she is in. Her body is shutting down. Her organs, one by one, each cell is shutting down, is.... dying. i am sad. i am frustrated. i am lonely. i am angry. But i also feel a deep and abiding joy. i see Momma's preserving smile and i know we are going to be ok. Momma will rise again. Momma will walk again. And she will fly. we are are able to rise for no other reason than because He is risen. |
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June 2017
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