i found some words. And as i type this, i am beginning to choke up. It hit me. it finally, maybe for the first real time, hit me. i was in sitting on her fancy red walker on the fold down seat, in the dark, just listening to her breathe. Mom is going to be gone soon. GONE. Momma will not get to come watch me graduate from graduate school, she won't get to watch me open my first coffee shop, she won't get to see my baby with down syndrome graduate pre-school, high school, college. She won't be at my wedding, help me paint my first home. I won't get to watch her grow old, join old lady clubs like aqua Zumba, I won't get to see her retire in Malibu. Yesterday Hospice came. Very kind people. People dedicated to the cause of dignity and grace. But people I don't necessarily want to know, people I don't necessarily want in Momma's home. No way MY mom is ready to be cared for by Hospice. Diane Doris Kraling? Oh hell no. She is the strongest, most independent, most private person i know. No way were we ready for Hospice to be here already. But, nonetheless, they came. And they left a pamphlet. Here is a picture of one of the very last two pages in this book. Above is a chart outlining the best guess on how much longer mom has based on symptoms she is currently undergoing. And as of right this minute, it looks as if mom has one-three weeks left. Seven days. i am allowing that number to sink in. To engulf me, wash over me. And i feel nothing but heaviness, like at any moment i could sink to the bottom and not resurface. I've been noticing lately how fast time seems to move. Completely unfazed by the pain around it. Not even the pain it causes. Just keeps ticking away, the hands chug around the clock like they are part of the Indy 500. I think I finally understand what the author of Ecclesiastes meant when he wrote: "Meaningless, its all just meaningless." I know. If you know me or have even read a couple other blog posts of mine you are probably thinking "what the junk?! Molly Kraling scoffing, frowning, admitting something just might be not worth it?" Hell yeah. I am over it, time is meaningless right now to me. I loathe time and in the very same breath, I envy time. And it is simply because when time is not on your side, (which, by the way, seems to be the case more often than not) you are battling the universe. And a battle against the universe is a losing war. I want to just sit in a dark room and listen to my Momma snore. Listen to her breathe and moan. I want to hold her hand taking mental snapshots of everything. I have to remember these moments. I must remember these moments. Regardless of stupid time, i must soak in every last minute I have with her on this side of forever. A couple years back i wrote a three piece blog post on time. Give it a read if you want!
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June 2017
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